


The blood on my hands

by Paradoxproductions



Series: Within us [3]
Category: Among Us (Video Game)
Genre: Burdens of leadership, Gen, Inner Demons, Mental Health Issues, POV First Person, Red mentioned, black mentioned, cyan mentioned, orange mentioned, yellow Mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:01:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28368072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paradoxproductions/pseuds/Paradoxproductions
Summary: This is set after the polus and Mira hq stories.In this one shot we get a deeper insight on white’s character as he struggles to deal with the torment of his past as well as being a murderer.
Series: Within us [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2053104





	The blood on my hands

The captain of a ship, leader of the skeld and field leader overall... that was my title.

A good captain keeps a straight face as well as bravery and optimism to inspire the crew, inspire everyone to be the best who they can be and generally a good captain inspires others to do well.

My crew is certainly a unique bunch and for a while we were like a family, yellow and orange were best friends, listen to red tell horror stories which were surprisingly realistic and witness cyan’s martial art training which occasionally had us train alongside her.

But as everyone’s leader everyone always confides with me about personal issues and I have to make difficult decisions which could be controversial but I for a while was able to keep up appearances as a strong individual who inspires all.

Ultimately I fail to live up to said expectations, it is just a mask of who I truly am, that mask is only a mere ideal version of myself, merely a lie used to deceive everyone into thinking that I am a dependable person who everyone can rely on to ensure that everything runs smoothly and for a while that was what I got.

Nothing big enough to show glimpses or my true self as a broken mess of a person who desperately needs help but cannot get it as everyone assumes I have it together.

No one really knows me well but that doesn’t concern them because they don’t have to learn about me as I was always the same in any situation, a confident leader who never gives up at anything.

I want to believe I can truly become that person. The mask I desperately want to become, the ideal me.

But any attempts to become the mask are struck down by negative thoughts telling me I cannot do anything right and I may as well be as someone as eccentric as red or cold like black would prove to be a better leader than me.

For a while I denied what they said, of course I am a great leader, I was chosen by them. 

However with all the drama involving impostors and murder is starting to take a toll on my sanity, The voices getting more persistent, day by day I begin to believe the negative energy around them yet I still attempt to bring forth the perception of a strong, reliable leader everyone wants me to be, I was chosen by them so I have to get everything done right and if I don’t live up to their expectations then I will be a failure and it will be all my fault if anything goes wrong.

My strive for everything to be done right came from a bad childhood. No I did not have abusive parents, to be blunt they had high expectations for me, my father was a lawyer and my mother was a doctor so I had to excel to meet the demands of my parents and my peers, I needed to be perfect.

My parents were not the ones to show outward love and affection to me even when I did something spectacular mainly a simple well done and the day proceeds like normal. My parents had high hopes of me getting a high ranking job and to not fall into criminal behaviour.

They gave lectures on who I should be and how I should act and I obeyed to gain love which I was severely depraved of and the problem got worse as I became less satisfied with life and who I am. 

So I lied to everyone including myself that I am ok and to think happy thoughts and for a while I convinced everyone to believe a false version of me. Even I believed that the captain of the skeld was who I am.

But I defied expectations by becoming what my parents hated. A killer.

I killed someone and that was devastating so I outed myself as the killer to be ejected as I deserved to die for being a murderer but I was spared. Why do they believe in me? I killed someone! I deserve to die for my sins. The atrocities that I have done!

Subsequently, the voices faded back in and they were nasty. Making nasty comments about how I failed everyone and how I failed as captain and as white, the endless torment will never end. I sometimes see the ghosts of everyone who I failed to save, feeling their malice against me. I let them die! I could’ve saved them! 

Their stares pierce me as I feel like I am beginning to lose grip on reality itself and I just want all those horrible stuff to Leave me alone as I just want to make everyone proud but not only did I let half the crew die, I also killed someone myself and have to live with the guilt that I have took someone else’s chance to see their families!

It is all my fault!

Everything is my fault!

Everyone who died was because of me!

I failed everyone!

I don’t want to burden everyone anymore!

I can silence the voices!

The light... is getting closer.

I think I know what I want to do now...

I may not like it... but it is for the best. I am sorry everyone... I failed you all... so allow this to be my redemption to you all.


End file.
